I'll be meeting up with my boyfriend tomorrow after a month and a half. I don't feel excited meeting up with him. I'm confused with my feelings right now for the person once I thought I'll be spending the rest of my life with. We've been together for 4 years now and never once in our relationship I've heard him telling me that he loves me. I feel that he does love me... or am I just convincing myself that he does? He seems to be the perfect person to be with: he's responsible, family man, achiever, intelligent. But there is still something that I'm longing for from him...They say action speaks louder than words, but sometimes we interpret actions the way we wanted them to be. He can be sweet..yes when we are alone..but there are still some things that I'm expecting from him in which I know he can give. I never talk about my boyfriend to my friends. I just share the good things...never my frustrations at him. I don't want them to pity me for clinging on to someone whom I'm not sure if he loves me back and tell to my face that I'm stupid. I never demanded anything, I never asked him to do anything for me...but somewhere, somehow, I wish he does. I need confirmation, I need security. I have been away from him long enough to realize what I am missing. I have had the courage to share to other people what I am bothered about. I try to embrace their point of view regarding our relationship. Our relationship is not normal and not healthy. I am always like this, thinking about ending this relationship but I can't find the courage to leave him. I don't know what I loved about him...but I am getting tired of waiting...waiting that someday he'll reciprocate what I feel about him.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
aym escared!
I'll be meeting up with my boyfriend tomorrow after a month and a half. I don't feel excited meeting up with him. I'm confused with my feelings right now for the person once I thought I'll be spending the rest of my life with. We've been together for 4 years now and never once in our relationship I've heard him telling me that he loves me. I feel that he does love me... or am I just convincing myself that he does? He seems to be the perfect person to be with: he's responsible, family man, achiever, intelligent. But there is still something that I'm longing for from him...They say action speaks louder than words, but sometimes we interpret actions the way we wanted them to be. He can be sweet..yes when we are alone..but there are still some things that I'm expecting from him in which I know he can give. I never talk about my boyfriend to my friends. I just share the good things...never my frustrations at him. I don't want them to pity me for clinging on to someone whom I'm not sure if he loves me back and tell to my face that I'm stupid. I never demanded anything, I never asked him to do anything for me...but somewhere, somehow, I wish he does. I need confirmation, I need security. I have been away from him long enough to realize what I am missing. I have had the courage to share to other people what I am bothered about. I try to embrace their point of view regarding our relationship. Our relationship is not normal and not healthy. I am always like this, thinking about ending this relationship but I can't find the courage to leave him. I don't know what I loved about him...but I am getting tired of waiting...waiting that someday he'll reciprocate what I feel about him.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
If You Forget Me
I want you to know one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look at the crystal moon,
at the red branch of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch near the fire the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats that sail toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now, if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners that passes through my life,
and you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots,
remember that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off to seek another land.
But if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live
it will be in your arms without leaving mine.
Pablo Neruda
You know how this is:
if I look at the crystal moon,
at the red branch of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch near the fire the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats that sail toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now, if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners that passes through my life,
and you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots,
remember that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off to seek another land.
But if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live
it will be in your arms without leaving mine.
Pablo Neruda
Friday, August 08, 2008
How does it feel to be a vampire?
My schedule is pretty much of a vampire. But as opposed to a vampire's schedule, I was able to see the sunrise and love the sun's rays touching my face early in the morning. I now work in a call center as what's written on my previous posts. I go to work around 2 am, log in to my work station at 3, take calls till 12 pm (with yosi breaks), drink and eat with my buddies till 3, sleep at 4, and then go to work again the next day. I never imagined that I'll enjoy this type of work. At first it was exhausting, but as I have gained friends in the workplace, I now can't wait to go to work everyday. As my team leader advised us, any type of job, no matter how exciting it seems to be (you can be a doctor or an events organizer), there will come a time that everything you do is only a repetitive action. You will always come to a point of saturation and satiation. Try to find ways to enjoy work, find motivation for you to go to work everyday. The actions are the same, the difference is on how you embrace it.
I love going to work everyday because of my new-found friends. I go to work early so that we could be seated next to each other. We just joke around even if the customers calling us are really irate. They make taking calls easy. After work, we always find time to sit and talk, in tapa king, pancake, or box ' rice, on how the day went. Laugh at those customers who acted smart but dumb in real life. This month will be the fifth month evaluation for us in the Evolution Team. Some will be term'ed for not passing the metrices in our scorecards and some will be deployed to different teams. We will have different schedules and there's a big chance that we will not see each other that often. No matter how much I don't want to think about it, I should, to keep myself ready of the things that may happen for the coming months. I'll miss them definitely. Once it happens, it will be an effort for me to find new friends. Haay... i hope that what i anticipated won't happen. It is like having a blankie which was taken away from you at the age of puberty and you have no choice but to go on with life. Like what Tinie says, you should learn how to be alone without feeling lonely.
I love going to work everyday because of my new-found friends. I go to work early so that we could be seated next to each other. We just joke around even if the customers calling us are really irate. They make taking calls easy. After work, we always find time to sit and talk, in tapa king, pancake, or box ' rice, on how the day went. Laugh at those customers who acted smart but dumb in real life. This month will be the fifth month evaluation for us in the Evolution Team. Some will be term'ed for not passing the metrices in our scorecards and some will be deployed to different teams. We will have different schedules and there's a big chance that we will not see each other that often. No matter how much I don't want to think about it, I should, to keep myself ready of the things that may happen for the coming months. I'll miss them definitely. Once it happens, it will be an effort for me to find new friends. Haay... i hope that what i anticipated won't happen. It is like having a blankie which was taken away from you at the age of puberty and you have no choice but to go on with life. Like what Tinie says, you should learn how to be alone without feeling lonely.
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