aym escared!

I'll be meeting up with my boyfriend tomorrow after a month and a half. I don't feel excited meeting up with him. I'm confused with my feelings right now for the person once I thought I'll be spending the rest of my life with. We've been together for 4 years now and never once in our relationship I've heard him telling me that he loves me. I feel that he does love me... or am I just convincing myself that he does? He seems to be the perfect person to be with: he's responsible, family man, achiever, intelligent. But there is still something that I'm longing for from him...They say action speaks louder than words, but sometimes we interpret actions the way we wanted them to be. He can be sweet..yes when we are alone..but there are still some things that I'm expecting from him in which I know he can give. I never talk about my boyfriend to my friends. I just share the good things...never my frustrations at him. I don't want them to pity me for clinging on to someone whom I'm not sure if he loves me back and tell to my face that I'm stupid. I never demanded anything, I never asked him to do anything for me...but somewhere, somehow, I wish he does. I need confirmation, I need security. I have been away from him long enough to realize what I am missing. I have had the courage to share to other people what I am bothered about. I try to embrace their point of view regarding our relationship. Our relationship is not normal and not healthy. I am always like this, thinking about ending this relationship but I can't find the courage to leave him. I don't know what I loved about him...but I am getting tired of waiting...waiting that someday he'll reciprocate what I feel about him.