Mood Breaker

Lately... I have been out of the circle. I missed having lunch with Tinie for quite some time. I only wanted to drink coffee and having light meals at Pancake. I don't have the urge to eat rice. Good thing Roma is always there to keep me company and not slash my wrist with a butter knife. I missed going to the mall with Tinie, Roma, and Jun. I missed going to the movies with Jun, Tinie, and Joyce. I have been missing a lot lately. Not that I don't want to be with their company which I enjoy so much. I just want to be alone lately. It feels like when I am with all of them that I will just spoil their moods. They are happy people and I don't want them to feel down because of me. Right now, I am chatting with them. I am meeting with them this afternoon just to fill the times that I missed going out with them. I want to be surrounded with happy people. I love them!

Puffy Eyes

Not because of crying...but due to the fact that I cannot sleep. I may feel stressed because of the recent breakup but what I am more stressed about is that I cannot cry. I wanted to cry, cry until I am fully dehydrated that no Gatorade can fix. It is like every night as I retire I feel that my heart wanted to burst but my eyes are too small to let them all out. It might be due to the fact that he has not answered my email. I am itching to delete all the emails and delete the account but I don't want to lose all of my connections to him. He was a big part of my life. I wanted us to be friends, really good friends, but it seems to be so hard at the moment.

Road Always Taken

"Love was undoubtedly one of the things capable of changing a person's life, from one moment to the next. But there was the other side of the coin, the second thing that could make a human being take a totally different course from the one he or she had planned; and that was called despair." - Eleven Minutes

HEAD - Four years ago, I never believed in love. My head is full of cynicism. All men are the same. They make you fall for them and after a while they will turn out to be a total ass. They will make you feel that you're the most important person in their lives and then take you for granted. I played their game and got tired of it. I found myself falling in love. Loving somebody made me a new woman. I learned to sacrifice my own happiness just to fulfill his. My priorities changed. All the decisions that I made always include him. It feels like all the forces of nature are approving my intentions. I felt so happy. But he never felt the same. I held on. I became the person that I am afraid of becoming. Loving a person is never easy. It is an alternate of happiness and hurt. Appreciating the happiness that it brings and accepting the hurt that it may cause. But there are times that it hurts so much because the person who hurts you is the exact person who makes you happy. It is crazy but that is reality. I was asked before on who will I choose, "the person whom I love, or the person who loves me?" Why do we have to choose? Is life that cruel that you can never have both? Are people such a masochist that somebody should end up hurting?

TAIL - I got tired. It is never easy to accept that the person who makes you happy doesn't feel the same way about you. I am a masochist. Happiness is a state of mind. Holding on to somebody whom you definitely know is hurting you is a choice. The path to realization is rough, you will always stumble and hurt your knees but you should manage to stand up and take the right route once you reach the intersection. The choices are blind paths, you will never know how it will end. Sometimes you'll choose the longer path, sometimes the shorter, a path that will lead you to another intersection, a path that will lead you to the same intersection that will need you to make a choice again--hoping that you are wise enough not to choose the same path again, or else you will not move on, these paths just look the same as the other paths but you should take note of the subtle hints to know which is better for you. There will be times that you will walk under the scorching heat of the sun, burning your epidermis, darkening your forehead. There will be times that you are soaked in the rain, the drops are too big that it already hurt. You take stops once in a while just to feel the breeze touching you hair, enjoying the moment. Sitting under a tree, watching how clouds form different shapes. You will never know if you already reached the end because there is no end. Reality is the root word of realization and life is reality, therefore realization is the constant process in our lives. It is not easy but the answer is simple: Acceptance. I have told my friends regarding my recent breakup. Checking my Hotmail account is not that scary as before as I anticipate his reply, I sign in with ease, but it would still be better if he replies to my mail to give me total freedom. I am now taking "myself" seriously. I can say I am becoming a better woman now. Getting ready to be with someone who leaves me with no choice but to love and be loved in return.