Depression #102

I'll be changing that tag line soon! Hahaha. That is so much contradicting with what I am feeling right now but that is what I badly need right now. Wait for the new tagline though.

Anyway, why am I so depressed right now? It is because I am sick again and I am maxing out my healthcard's credit limit. I now know how it feels like to be the sole provider for my family and it sucks, it sucks big time. The fact that I am sick right now makes me feel so helpless. That a day or two from now, we might not have anything on our plates. My mom is undergoing dialysis three fucking times per week and is on maintenance for diabetes and hypertension. My brother has lung tb and also on continuous medication. I have a large, throbbing bulge in my ear which is what I needed the most to do my job as a call taker. Yes, my life sucks right now and it is sucking the life out of me. I do get it now why poor people in movies still go to work even at the verge of their health because they have to. I want to do the same but I need fit-to-work clearance. Good thing I have a girlfriend that makes me sane. Oh wait! She's mad at me because my cell network also sucks which I will not subscribe to if only I knew this beforehand! Im sad and mad and frustrated and a whole lot of things but I still keep the faith that something good will come out from all of these. Im still not losing hope. I just need to let this out.

Solitude

“there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

a space

and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest times
times

we will know it

we will know it
more than
ever

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and

we will wait
and
wait

in that space.”


― Charles Bukowski


Here I am, crying over quotes about anything, trying to figure what I have been crying for. It feels like the sky is falling down on me, that no good is ever coming out of this. I am not suicidal, but I feel like dying right now. I am depressed, yes. I have been trying to be strong, to act strong for the people who loves me. But I am weak. I wanna shout. I wanna jump off a cliff. I wanna be somebody but me. I feel that I am a big disappointment right now. I failed the people around me, I failed myself. I havent been somebody that i would be. I have imagined myself to be someone other than the one I am right now. I hate to admit that I am completely helpless right now. I am penniless and i have taken everything my mother worked hard for because of my illness. What if something happens to her, i do not know what to do. I always act strong, that I have everything figured out but i dont have any clue what to do. I feel that the person I love right now is slipping away from me. Im trying my very best to stop it but i can feel that she does everyday. We argue about the pettiest thing. Nothing that I do seems to be right. I cant help but that she i getting tired of me and just waiting for me to let go, but I dont wanna let go. Why have I not learned to show that I love someone. Am I too naive? Am i too selfish? I just wanna be a child again that i just go inside my closet and hide from all these, that everything is gonne be ok when i get out? I know I can handle this. I know God has plans for me and he will not give me anything i couldnt handle, at least that is what wanna believe. There is a lesson for me somewhere there but it is just too much for me. Im scared. Im scared that the person I believe who is gonna be with me as i get through all of these feels so distant to me. If I could just disappear, shut myself from the world, be on a coma and be numb. We cannot have everything that we want. Everything will be alright. Pray. Trust that God has great plans for me. Again, I am not suicidal. I just need to let this out.

Marunong nga ba talaga akong magmahal? Sapat na ba na pahalagahan mo ang taong mahal mo? Ano nga ba ang pagpapahalaga. Hindi ba talaga ako marunong magparamdam ng pagmamahal sa isang tao. Paulit ulit ko na lang nasasaktan ang taong nagmamahal sakin. Marahil sawa na syang marinig ang "sorry" ko. Ang masaklap dun, hindi ko narerealise na nakakasakit pala ako. Masyado ba kong selfish at sarili ko lang iniintindi ko. Naiprogram ko na ata ang sarili ko na tatanda akong magisa kaya wala akong pakialam kung may nasasaktan ako. Di ko rin alam. Ang alam ko lang, mahal ko siya. Gusto ko siyang makasama ng mahabang panahon. Maging masaya kasama siya. Alagaan siya pag may sakit siya. Dumiskubre ng mga bagong lugar kasama siya. Mabuhay ng tahimik kasama siya. Importante sya sakin pero hindi nya nararamdaman yun, hindi ko naipaparamdam sa kanya. Hindi ko maipakita na sa kanya nakasalalay ang buhay ko. Kelangan ko ng relationship 101 dahil kulang pa ang kaalaman ko. Masyado akong nasanay na magisa lang sumasabak sa mga problema ko. Masyado akong naging masaya sa sarili ko lamang, hindi ko na tuloy alam kung pano maging masaya kasama ang mahal ko. Sabi nila kung kaya mo na mahalin ang sarili mo, mas lalo mong matututunan magmahal ng ibang tao pero bakit nagkukulang ako. Hindi ko alam, sawa na rin siguro siyang marinig yan mula sakin. Hindi ko madedepensahan ang sarili ko, yan lang din ang alam kong sabihin, walang excuses. Hindi ako magtataka kung magsawa na sya sa pagunawa sakin. Natututo naman ako sa mga pagkakamali ko, sa palagay ko. Pero marami pang pagkakamali, wag ko naman sanang isa isahin. Baka isang araw wala na kong pagsabihan ng sorry.