Solitude

“there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

a space

and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest times
times

we will know it

we will know it
more than
ever

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and

we will wait
and
wait

in that space.”


― Charles Bukowski


Here I am, crying over quotes about anything, trying to figure what I have been crying for. It feels like the sky is falling down on me, that no good is ever coming out of this. I am not suicidal, but I feel like dying right now. I am depressed, yes. I have been trying to be strong, to act strong for the people who loves me. But I am weak. I wanna shout. I wanna jump off a cliff. I wanna be somebody but me. I feel that I am a big disappointment right now. I failed the people around me, I failed myself. I havent been somebody that i would be. I have imagined myself to be someone other than the one I am right now. I hate to admit that I am completely helpless right now. I am penniless and i have taken everything my mother worked hard for because of my illness. What if something happens to her, i do not know what to do. I always act strong, that I have everything figured out but i dont have any clue what to do. I feel that the person I love right now is slipping away from me. Im trying my very best to stop it but i can feel that she does everyday. We argue about the pettiest thing. Nothing that I do seems to be right. I cant help but that she i getting tired of me and just waiting for me to let go, but I dont wanna let go. Why have I not learned to show that I love someone. Am I too naive? Am i too selfish? I just wanna be a child again that i just go inside my closet and hide from all these, that everything is gonne be ok when i get out? I know I can handle this. I know God has plans for me and he will not give me anything i couldnt handle, at least that is what wanna believe. There is a lesson for me somewhere there but it is just too much for me. Im scared. Im scared that the person I believe who is gonna be with me as i get through all of these feels so distant to me. If I could just disappear, shut myself from the world, be on a coma and be numb. We cannot have everything that we want. Everything will be alright. Pray. Trust that God has great plans for me. Again, I am not suicidal. I just need to let this out.