Solitude

“there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled

a space

and even during the
best moments
and
the greatest times
times

we will know it

we will know it
more than
ever

there is a place in the heart that
will never be filled
and

we will wait
and
wait

in that space.”


― Charles Bukowski


Here I am, crying over quotes about anything, trying to figure what I have been crying for. It feels like the sky is falling down on me, that no good is ever coming out of this. I am not suicidal, but I feel like dying right now. I am depressed, yes. I have been trying to be strong, to act strong for the people who loves me. But I am weak. I wanna shout. I wanna jump off a cliff. I wanna be somebody but me. I feel that I am a big disappointment right now. I failed the people around me, I failed myself. I havent been somebody that i would be. I have imagined myself to be someone other than the one I am right now. I hate to admit that I am completely helpless right now. I am penniless and i have taken everything my mother worked hard for because of my illness. What if something happens to her, i do not know what to do. I always act strong, that I have everything figured out but i dont have any clue what to do. I feel that the person I love right now is slipping away from me. Im trying my very best to stop it but i can feel that she does everyday. We argue about the pettiest thing. Nothing that I do seems to be right. I cant help but that she i getting tired of me and just waiting for me to let go, but I dont wanna let go. Why have I not learned to show that I love someone. Am I too naive? Am i too selfish? I just wanna be a child again that i just go inside my closet and hide from all these, that everything is gonne be ok when i get out? I know I can handle this. I know God has plans for me and he will not give me anything i couldnt handle, at least that is what wanna believe. There is a lesson for me somewhere there but it is just too much for me. Im scared. Im scared that the person I believe who is gonna be with me as i get through all of these feels so distant to me. If I could just disappear, shut myself from the world, be on a coma and be numb. We cannot have everything that we want. Everything will be alright. Pray. Trust that God has great plans for me. Again, I am not suicidal. I just need to let this out.

Marunong nga ba talaga akong magmahal? Sapat na ba na pahalagahan mo ang taong mahal mo? Ano nga ba ang pagpapahalaga. Hindi ba talaga ako marunong magparamdam ng pagmamahal sa isang tao. Paulit ulit ko na lang nasasaktan ang taong nagmamahal sakin. Marahil sawa na syang marinig ang "sorry" ko. Ang masaklap dun, hindi ko narerealise na nakakasakit pala ako. Masyado ba kong selfish at sarili ko lang iniintindi ko. Naiprogram ko na ata ang sarili ko na tatanda akong magisa kaya wala akong pakialam kung may nasasaktan ako. Di ko rin alam. Ang alam ko lang, mahal ko siya. Gusto ko siyang makasama ng mahabang panahon. Maging masaya kasama siya. Alagaan siya pag may sakit siya. Dumiskubre ng mga bagong lugar kasama siya. Mabuhay ng tahimik kasama siya. Importante sya sakin pero hindi nya nararamdaman yun, hindi ko naipaparamdam sa kanya. Hindi ko maipakita na sa kanya nakasalalay ang buhay ko. Kelangan ko ng relationship 101 dahil kulang pa ang kaalaman ko. Masyado akong nasanay na magisa lang sumasabak sa mga problema ko. Masyado akong naging masaya sa sarili ko lamang, hindi ko na tuloy alam kung pano maging masaya kasama ang mahal ko. Sabi nila kung kaya mo na mahalin ang sarili mo, mas lalo mong matututunan magmahal ng ibang tao pero bakit nagkukulang ako. Hindi ko alam, sawa na rin siguro siyang marinig yan mula sakin. Hindi ko madedepensahan ang sarili ko, yan lang din ang alam kong sabihin, walang excuses. Hindi ako magtataka kung magsawa na sya sa pagunawa sakin. Natututo naman ako sa mga pagkakamali ko, sa palagay ko. Pero marami pang pagkakamali, wag ko naman sanang isa isahin. Baka isang araw wala na kong pagsabihan ng sorry.

When the brain had coffee

For those who came across this blog or if you are a friend of mine knows that I only write here whenever I feel sad or low. It very much contradicts the site name, i tried to shift the mood of this blog, but sadly I need this blog to release the negativity that I have inside me. If normal people have friends, then I have this. I only talk to friends about my problems when I can already laugh at it, it is less complicated that way. We've all loved and been hurt and if you havent then Im happy for you. The bible said love is patient, kind blah blah blah. What if one of those are missing, do you still call it love? When there is no trust anymore. When you have a list of wrongs that no matter how hard you try to forget still haunts you. Then what do you call it now?

I met a girl. Yup! You read it right, a girl. She is way younger than me but i find her very interesting. She is smart and witty. We became close and closer. She flirted and the curious in me flirted back. I have no experience with a lesbian before so everything is new to me. I just wanted to try it and it felt good. I hate cliche-ing but they are right, it takes one to know one. She pleasured me. Dirty minds! I mean she knows how to make me feel good (it still sounds dirty!) What I meant was, she knows how to make me feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world. I did not plan to get serious with her but I fell for her. I've had failed relationships with men, i relationship is what you call them, and i dont have interest with them anymore and i dont plan to get married with one and bear a child anyway so what the heck! Let's give it a try. I was happy. Sometimes when we are happy, the hearts keeps pushing the brain to take a break. I forgot that men and women are just the same. They are both human beings and are capable of hurting you. I let my guard down and it took advantage. Trust was lost and all the confusions that i chose to ignore and the lies i tried to forget resurfaced like pandora's box. Do you still call it love? There is still something in me that wants to stay and i do not know what to call it. My brain is back in charge, which is why Im trying to find a definition for it. If there is a course about it, then i will take it but i guess there is none. Because if there is, then there will be a lower suicidal rate in the world. I guess even the bible cannot define our feelings and emotions because God created the brain for a reason. We should not be ruled by emotions and we should not trust our feelings. Good thing my brain is just around the corner, smoking a cigarette while sipping a cup of joe, waiting for the heart to show any sign of weakness. My brain enjoyed the break a little bit but just right in time before the heart breaks down.