The Art of Breaking Up

1. Got my hair cut - check
2. Changed my number - check
3. Coping up - getting there


I'm taking the part of coping up in baby steps. Lately, it seems like I don't want to be around people. I want to deal with this by myself for a small period of time. I am not yet ready to tell my friends about what happened. I am scared that I might break down and look like an ass in front of them. I haven't checked my email also, I am scared of what he might reply. My heart is at its weakest point at the moment. So while I am strolling in SM and canvassing on how much a perm would cost, I decided to just make my hair shorter, shoulder length. I already forgot how it feels to have a really short hair, don't know if I can still carry that lock. The receptionist told me that I still cannot perm my hair because I previously had it rebonded. One thing is for sure, I need to wake up 2 hours earlier to just fix my hair, tedious but it is part of moving on.

I changed my number. I have a really good reason of changing without them thinking of something wrong and without me sounding pathetic. My sim is old anyway so that would be a good excuse. I still have 200 people who don't know that I have changed my number, so I might need to load up big time tomorrow to inform them. Good thing the Guy's friends are not really close to me so there is no other way for him to track me.

My first day in the office in this state is a success. I acted natural and I don't think they have a hint of what I am going through right now and I thank tinie for keeping her word.

Tomorrow would be another day...

Season Finale

I made a letter for the Guy.

I have decided that I will be sending it today. And I did. After the mail has rotted in the drafts of my account for almost a month, I finally had the courage to send it. I have thought about it carefully, numerous times! I finally decided to send it today, at exactly 8:00 PM because he is in Baguio right now, and he will not think of reading his emails over the weekend and I still have time to change my number. I need to change my number, I don't trust myself. I don't want history to repeat itself and get back with him. I know for sure that when he talks to me right at this moment, my heart will soften again and the hope that everything will be better will rise up again. The funny part is when I am about to send him the mail, my computer crashes. Good thing I have a backup computer. My plan succeeded after all. It is final now. I have finally broken up with him. This is not the end of a season. This is the end of the whole series of our relationship. I still do not know what lies ahead. I need to be ready to create a new book of my life. But I need a spin off. I need to prepare myself.

WARNING: Loving Is Dangerous To Your Health

If there is an IV dye that can detect the protein that causes loneliness, you can definitely see that it is already creeping to my veins and finally reaching my brain. I had made a decision and there is no backing out. I have everything ready, the letter, the plan of changing number (my sim card is acting weird anyways), getting my hair done, and the coping up that I need to do. Singledom scares me. but I need to face it. I need time to be alone and contemplate on the things that I really wanted in life. I'm planning to stay single for a while. No pressure of finding another person who will make my heart beat again. Just like what I said to a friend, being in a relationship is like smoking. After a stick, you will be craving for another one. Once you started smoking, you can't stop unless you have the willpower to do it. It is so addicting but I don't want to resort to meds, and worse, alcohol. I have to do it on my own with a little help from my friends. But when you sleep at night, that is when the venom of loneliness flows into your system that will make your extremities numb and fill your ducts with tears and clog your nose, making it hard to breathe. This is what scares me the most. But I need to be strong. I need to take care of myself before I get into another relationship again. No matter how hard it seems to be, I know I can do it.

The Breakup Letter

I have been thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend, of a 4-year-and-10-month relationship, for a month now. What made me think this way? Nothing. I guess my mind and heart just grew tired of the thought that I love a person who doesn't feel the same way; my brain stops thinking and my heart stops beating. In this blogsite, you'll find that most of my posts here are about him: from the time that I am confused, the time that I felt so inlove with him, and the time that I am tired of loving him. These are memories that I have left of him. They say, taking risk makes us human, i want to be human. This is the risk that I will make. I still do not know what will I do next. I do not know how long will it take for me to move on. I do not know if I'll ever find somebody whom I will be madly in love with again. I do not know if I will be stuck in the shadow of my past relationship. There are a lot of things that I do not know. This mail is still saved in the drafts of my hotmail account. My heart is pounding of the thought that I will be sending this email. But my decision is final, I am sending this soon.

I wanna give you a head's up, this may surprise you. I am also surprised that it has reached you. I have been thinking of this for quite some time now. I have been finding the right timing to say this but I guess there will never be a good timing for this one. I have the intentions of saying this to you personally but I guess I have never found the courage. I am never good with confrontations and I think you already know that. I am tired. I dont think I can go on with this relationship. I do love you, I really do. I wanted to end this while I still feel this way for you because I dont want to get to the point that I already hate you because it will hurt me more, it will hurt us more. Saying that you love me back will not change the decision that I have been bothering my self for a long time now. I have waited for four years for you to say that exact words to me, I wanted you to say it when you really feel it and mean it, but I guess you never was. I dont think we are growing as a couple. I have been meaning to ask how you feel about me, but I am scared that you might say the things that I dont want to hear. This is my fault. They say communication is the key but we have never invested on that to start with. I am too reserved and I know you are too, no one has the strength to break the ice. I know this kind of setup from the very beginning will not work but I still hang on to it hoping that it might. I never expected anything from this before but I realized that I wanted more, I am part of the norms, I am not extraordinary. I really am sorry for bringing it up this way, this is the only way I know without making a fool of myself. Dont bother calling me because my hands will be too weak to answer the phone and my voice will just tremble if I hear your voice. It takes time. I need time. Just keep in mind that I loved you, and I thank you for making me feel that way.

--This is the end of my sad love story--