The Breakup Letter

I have been thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend, of a 4-year-and-10-month relationship, for a month now. What made me think this way? Nothing. I guess my mind and heart just grew tired of the thought that I love a person who doesn't feel the same way; my brain stops thinking and my heart stops beating. In this blogsite, you'll find that most of my posts here are about him: from the time that I am confused, the time that I felt so inlove with him, and the time that I am tired of loving him. These are memories that I have left of him. They say, taking risk makes us human, i want to be human. This is the risk that I will make. I still do not know what will I do next. I do not know how long will it take for me to move on. I do not know if I'll ever find somebody whom I will be madly in love with again. I do not know if I will be stuck in the shadow of my past relationship. There are a lot of things that I do not know. This mail is still saved in the drafts of my hotmail account. My heart is pounding of the thought that I will be sending this email. But my decision is final, I am sending this soon.

I wanna give you a head's up, this may surprise you. I am also surprised that it has reached you. I have been thinking of this for quite some time now. I have been finding the right timing to say this but I guess there will never be a good timing for this one. I have the intentions of saying this to you personally but I guess I have never found the courage. I am never good with confrontations and I think you already know that. I am tired. I dont think I can go on with this relationship. I do love you, I really do. I wanted to end this while I still feel this way for you because I dont want to get to the point that I already hate you because it will hurt me more, it will hurt us more. Saying that you love me back will not change the decision that I have been bothering my self for a long time now. I have waited for four years for you to say that exact words to me, I wanted you to say it when you really feel it and mean it, but I guess you never was. I dont think we are growing as a couple. I have been meaning to ask how you feel about me, but I am scared that you might say the things that I dont want to hear. This is my fault. They say communication is the key but we have never invested on that to start with. I am too reserved and I know you are too, no one has the strength to break the ice. I know this kind of setup from the very beginning will not work but I still hang on to it hoping that it might. I never expected anything from this before but I realized that I wanted more, I am part of the norms, I am not extraordinary. I really am sorry for bringing it up this way, this is the only way I know without making a fool of myself. Dont bother calling me because my hands will be too weak to answer the phone and my voice will just tremble if I hear your voice. It takes time. I need time. Just keep in mind that I loved you, and I thank you for making me feel that way.

--This is the end of my sad love story--