Marunong nga ba talaga akong magmahal? Sapat na ba na pahalagahan mo ang taong mahal mo? Ano nga ba ang pagpapahalaga. Hindi ba talaga ako marunong magparamdam ng pagmamahal sa isang tao. Paulit ulit ko na lang nasasaktan ang taong nagmamahal sakin. Marahil sawa na syang marinig ang "sorry" ko. Ang masaklap dun, hindi ko narerealise na nakakasakit pala ako. Masyado ba kong selfish at sarili ko lang iniintindi ko. Naiprogram ko na ata ang sarili ko na tatanda akong magisa kaya wala akong pakialam kung may nasasaktan ako. Di ko rin alam. Ang alam ko lang, mahal ko siya. Gusto ko siyang makasama ng mahabang panahon. Maging masaya kasama siya. Alagaan siya pag may sakit siya. Dumiskubre ng mga bagong lugar kasama siya. Mabuhay ng tahimik kasama siya. Importante sya sakin pero hindi nya nararamdaman yun, hindi ko naipaparamdam sa kanya. Hindi ko maipakita na sa kanya nakasalalay ang buhay ko. Kelangan ko ng relationship 101 dahil kulang pa ang kaalaman ko. Masyado akong nasanay na magisa lang sumasabak sa mga problema ko. Masyado akong naging masaya sa sarili ko lamang, hindi ko na tuloy alam kung pano maging masaya kasama ang mahal ko. Sabi nila kung kaya mo na mahalin ang sarili mo, mas lalo mong matututunan magmahal ng ibang tao pero bakit nagkukulang ako. Hindi ko alam, sawa na rin siguro siyang marinig yan mula sakin. Hindi ko madedepensahan ang sarili ko, yan lang din ang alam kong sabihin, walang excuses. Hindi ako magtataka kung magsawa na sya sa pagunawa sakin. Natututo naman ako sa mga pagkakamali ko, sa palagay ko. Pero marami pang pagkakamali, wag ko naman sanang isa isahin. Baka isang araw wala na kong pagsabihan ng sorry.

When the brain had coffee

For those who came across this blog or if you are a friend of mine knows that I only write here whenever I feel sad or low. It very much contradicts the site name, i tried to shift the mood of this blog, but sadly I need this blog to release the negativity that I have inside me. If normal people have friends, then I have this. I only talk to friends about my problems when I can already laugh at it, it is less complicated that way. We've all loved and been hurt and if you havent then Im happy for you. The bible said love is patient, kind blah blah blah. What if one of those are missing, do you still call it love? When there is no trust anymore. When you have a list of wrongs that no matter how hard you try to forget still haunts you. Then what do you call it now?

I met a girl. Yup! You read it right, a girl. She is way younger than me but i find her very interesting. She is smart and witty. We became close and closer. She flirted and the curious in me flirted back. I have no experience with a lesbian before so everything is new to me. I just wanted to try it and it felt good. I hate cliche-ing but they are right, it takes one to know one. She pleasured me. Dirty minds! I mean she knows how to make me feel good (it still sounds dirty!) What I meant was, she knows how to make me feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world. I did not plan to get serious with her but I fell for her. I've had failed relationships with men, i relationship is what you call them, and i dont have interest with them anymore and i dont plan to get married with one and bear a child anyway so what the heck! Let's give it a try. I was happy. Sometimes when we are happy, the hearts keeps pushing the brain to take a break. I forgot that men and women are just the same. They are both human beings and are capable of hurting you. I let my guard down and it took advantage. Trust was lost and all the confusions that i chose to ignore and the lies i tried to forget resurfaced like pandora's box. Do you still call it love? There is still something in me that wants to stay and i do not know what to call it. My brain is back in charge, which is why Im trying to find a definition for it. If there is a course about it, then i will take it but i guess there is none. Because if there is, then there will be a lower suicidal rate in the world. I guess even the bible cannot define our feelings and emotions because God created the brain for a reason. We should not be ruled by emotions and we should not trust our feelings. Good thing my brain is just around the corner, smoking a cigarette while sipping a cup of joe, waiting for the heart to show any sign of weakness. My brain enjoyed the break a little bit but just right in time before the heart breaks down.

Ay Ewan!

Sabi nila pag matalino ka, may kapasidad ka para umintindi. Prerequisite na sa isang matalino na ilatag ang mga dahilan kung bakit nagagawa ng isang tao ang mga bagay nang walang panghuhusga. Pero hanggang saan ba ang kaya mong intindihin? Hanggang saan ang maabot ng iyong katalinuhan? Kung mala-Einstein ba ang IQ mo ay maahalintulad ka na sa santo? Yan ang mga bagay na gumugulo sa aking isipan. Napakabobo ng aking pakiramdam dahil hindi ko maintindihan. Hindi ko naman hinihiling na basahin ang laman ng isipan ng lahat ng taong nagdaraan. Kelangan ko na lang bang tanggapin na may mga bagay talagang dapat hayaan na lang at wag pakialaman? Marahil ganun na nga. Hindi sa lahat ng oras ay dapat malaman natin ang intensyon at saluobin ng mga taong nakapaligid satin. Kelangan nating matuto na hindi sa lahat ng oras malalaman natin ang dahilan kung bakit nangyayari ang mga bagay na ayaw nating mangyari. May rason kung bakit pero hindi na natin kailangan alamin. Darating din ang panahon, kelangan mo lang magtiwala. 

Do I?

"The problem in public life s learning to overcome terror; the problem in married life is to overcome boredom." - Fermina Daza (Love in the Time of Cholera)

I have been reading Love in the Time of Cholera since... uhmm time immemorial. It is not that i do not have time reading it but it is just... unbearable for me. I just read it because i have already started reading it and have the need to finish it. It talks about lost love, unrequited love. I know i should be able to relate to it; my friends will totally agree. But i think i know how it would end. The lead man and girl would end up together after the death of the girl's husband (for those who have read it, feel free to correct me). We all have our one great love and most of the time, he is not the person that we will end up marrying.

So how can we define what a great love is? Is it the ratio of the happy times versus the difficult times? Is it the length of time that you were together? Based on my own experience, it is short lived. We loved each other, yes, but as the song goes, it is the wrong time, and til now the time has not come and i don't think it will ever be. What if we were given the time that we need? Will we end up getting married or we'll also end up with the 5-year itch? Maybe that is the reason why he is my great love, because we didn't have the chance to discover each others flaw, fight over differences of opinion, or get jealous with the hot chick or guy on the next table.

Let us say as years passes by, i finally got married. We were happy; we were in love (take note of the tense), and then my great love comes along. My heart beats faster as if I had 3 shots of espresso for breakfast, sweats in all the undesirable parts of my body. We talk and catch up, and then suddenly memories flashes back; memories that you had tried to forget with ease as you tied the knot with your beau. Would I feel the same if i am happily in love with the person i chose to marry? I guess not. I maybe idealistic but marriage is a hell of hard work. Yeah, I'm not yet married, but I know friends who are continuously making their marriage work and some who failed. Just imagine yourself being with a single person for the rest of your life. There will be times that there is nothing you can talk about. You know each other so well that there is no mystery anymore. The thought scares me. What if I am not imaginative enough to make everyday a different day? Just like what they say, let's cross the bridge when we get there and burn it afterward, so there would be no turning back.

ME anniversary

Wow! It has been a year that I have been single, squeaky clean. No flirt buddies, fuck buddies, but just love buddies who are my very bestest friends. I never thought i could make it. As everyone knows I have never been emotionally available since the first time I have had a guy in my life, which was 7 effin years ago. I always crave for somebody, is it sexual dependence?! hahaha. From the bad breakup that I had, I told myself that I need not a rebound guy. It would be unfair to both of us. Am I ready now? I cant tell. When the time that my singlehood time lapses, admirers and date proposals keep pouring. I am not boasting but I think it is my pheromones working, or is it God's? Why not? Right now I must admit that I am seeing a guy for about a month now. I enjoy his company. His family and friends are nice to me. He is very honest with his feelings for me. But one thing I do not understand is the fact that he has a girlfriend and I do not know what his plans about it. The three of us works in the same office so that makes things complicated. This is the reason why I HATE office romance and wants to stay away from it as much as possible. *sigh* But I already made it clear to him that nothing will go on between us while he is in a relationship with somebody else, who the hell wants that?! I dont seek thrill that much. Right now, my friends and I keep on drinking. It is just fun to let the alcohol flow down our esophagus and eventually our brains, hahaha. We are not sad, we are actually happy that we are together. We have different issues of our own and we go through that together. If I think about it, we are friends for about 1 year and half now, and Im enjoying every minute of it. This I know will last!

unfriendly friendliness

I have a very bad character of taking my friends for granted. I am never known to have a gang of friends. I know it is easy for me to get along with people, i know how to adjust to their moods and attitude but I never have a large group of friends in any particular place; whether in high school, college, or work. I only have a close knit of friends, which does not include my toes if I count them. You can place me in a room full of people and i could have a nice conversation with them but you will only hear me whispering to one person. But I really really appreciate those people who stick with me and can get my moods. I love them for just being there and being my friends. Those whom even I say nasty things to them and gave sharp looks, i love you. Thank you for just being a friend. Here are a list of my friends. I may not be in constant communication with them but they played and is playing a big part of my life and of who I am. This is not in any order, but may be the longest I have known :) 1. Ghie 2. Grace 3. Sherie 4. Kyle 5. Tinie 6. Roma 7. Jun See! It is not even a handful! These are the special people in my life and I will swallow all of my pride not just to lose them. I only have a few, but they are the ones that make life happier to live.

In The Scene

Wow, it has been awhile. A lot has already happened! The best thing is that for the past months i have never been late!! It is a big improvement. I was promoted as tier 2 with some complications, keeping my fingers crossed. Everything is happening so fast, I myself cant even keep up. The cliche is true that if you dont have a lovelife, you'll get more focus and improvement on you career. hahaha. Everything is working well for me. I have new friends without losing the old ones. haaay.... that is all I can say. You'll hear more from me soon. :)

missing him...

I just find myself searching for his multiply account. I can't remember the name of his account anymore. I finally got relieved because I know that I am finally losing the part of me that is holding on to him. But I feel sad because I really lose him. I don't know now what has happened to him. Especially now that Intel closed down, which we have been discussing for months, and it has finally come true. I do not know his whereabouts. I do not know his plans. I do not know anything from him. It saddens me. I have already accepted the fact that we are no longer, and will never work out as a couple. But part me of me still wants him, even as a friend.

Mood Breaker

Lately... I have been out of the circle. I missed having lunch with Tinie for quite some time. I only wanted to drink coffee and having light meals at Pancake. I don't have the urge to eat rice. Good thing Roma is always there to keep me company and not slash my wrist with a butter knife. I missed going to the mall with Tinie, Roma, and Jun. I missed going to the movies with Jun, Tinie, and Joyce. I have been missing a lot lately. Not that I don't want to be with their company which I enjoy so much. I just want to be alone lately. It feels like when I am with all of them that I will just spoil their moods. They are happy people and I don't want them to feel down because of me. Right now, I am chatting with them. I am meeting with them this afternoon just to fill the times that I missed going out with them. I want to be surrounded with happy people. I love them!

Puffy Eyes

Not because of crying...but due to the fact that I cannot sleep. I may feel stressed because of the recent breakup but what I am more stressed about is that I cannot cry. I wanted to cry, cry until I am fully dehydrated that no Gatorade can fix. It is like every night as I retire I feel that my heart wanted to burst but my eyes are too small to let them all out. It might be due to the fact that he has not answered my email. I am itching to delete all the emails and delete the account but I don't want to lose all of my connections to him. He was a big part of my life. I wanted us to be friends, really good friends, but it seems to be so hard at the moment.

Road Always Taken

"Love was undoubtedly one of the things capable of changing a person's life, from one moment to the next. But there was the other side of the coin, the second thing that could make a human being take a totally different course from the one he or she had planned; and that was called despair." - Eleven Minutes

HEAD - Four years ago, I never believed in love. My head is full of cynicism. All men are the same. They make you fall for them and after a while they will turn out to be a total ass. They will make you feel that you're the most important person in their lives and then take you for granted. I played their game and got tired of it. I found myself falling in love. Loving somebody made me a new woman. I learned to sacrifice my own happiness just to fulfill his. My priorities changed. All the decisions that I made always include him. It feels like all the forces of nature are approving my intentions. I felt so happy. But he never felt the same. I held on. I became the person that I am afraid of becoming. Loving a person is never easy. It is an alternate of happiness and hurt. Appreciating the happiness that it brings and accepting the hurt that it may cause. But there are times that it hurts so much because the person who hurts you is the exact person who makes you happy. It is crazy but that is reality. I was asked before on who will I choose, "the person whom I love, or the person who loves me?" Why do we have to choose? Is life that cruel that you can never have both? Are people such a masochist that somebody should end up hurting?

TAIL - I got tired. It is never easy to accept that the person who makes you happy doesn't feel the same way about you. I am a masochist. Happiness is a state of mind. Holding on to somebody whom you definitely know is hurting you is a choice. The path to realization is rough, you will always stumble and hurt your knees but you should manage to stand up and take the right route once you reach the intersection. The choices are blind paths, you will never know how it will end. Sometimes you'll choose the longer path, sometimes the shorter, a path that will lead you to another intersection, a path that will lead you to the same intersection that will need you to make a choice again--hoping that you are wise enough not to choose the same path again, or else you will not move on, these paths just look the same as the other paths but you should take note of the subtle hints to know which is better for you. There will be times that you will walk under the scorching heat of the sun, burning your epidermis, darkening your forehead. There will be times that you are soaked in the rain, the drops are too big that it already hurt. You take stops once in a while just to feel the breeze touching you hair, enjoying the moment. Sitting under a tree, watching how clouds form different shapes. You will never know if you already reached the end because there is no end. Reality is the root word of realization and life is reality, therefore realization is the constant process in our lives. It is not easy but the answer is simple: Acceptance. I have told my friends regarding my recent breakup. Checking my Hotmail account is not that scary as before as I anticipate his reply, I sign in with ease, but it would still be better if he replies to my mail to give me total freedom. I am now taking "myself" seriously. I can say I am becoming a better woman now. Getting ready to be with someone who leaves me with no choice but to love and be loved in return.

The Art of Breaking Up

1. Got my hair cut - check
2. Changed my number - check
3. Coping up - getting there


I'm taking the part of coping up in baby steps. Lately, it seems like I don't want to be around people. I want to deal with this by myself for a small period of time. I am not yet ready to tell my friends about what happened. I am scared that I might break down and look like an ass in front of them. I haven't checked my email also, I am scared of what he might reply. My heart is at its weakest point at the moment. So while I am strolling in SM and canvassing on how much a perm would cost, I decided to just make my hair shorter, shoulder length. I already forgot how it feels to have a really short hair, don't know if I can still carry that lock. The receptionist told me that I still cannot perm my hair because I previously had it rebonded. One thing is for sure, I need to wake up 2 hours earlier to just fix my hair, tedious but it is part of moving on.

I changed my number. I have a really good reason of changing without them thinking of something wrong and without me sounding pathetic. My sim is old anyway so that would be a good excuse. I still have 200 people who don't know that I have changed my number, so I might need to load up big time tomorrow to inform them. Good thing the Guy's friends are not really close to me so there is no other way for him to track me.

My first day in the office in this state is a success. I acted natural and I don't think they have a hint of what I am going through right now and I thank tinie for keeping her word.

Tomorrow would be another day...

Season Finale

I made a letter for the Guy.

I have decided that I will be sending it today. And I did. After the mail has rotted in the drafts of my account for almost a month, I finally had the courage to send it. I have thought about it carefully, numerous times! I finally decided to send it today, at exactly 8:00 PM because he is in Baguio right now, and he will not think of reading his emails over the weekend and I still have time to change my number. I need to change my number, I don't trust myself. I don't want history to repeat itself and get back with him. I know for sure that when he talks to me right at this moment, my heart will soften again and the hope that everything will be better will rise up again. The funny part is when I am about to send him the mail, my computer crashes. Good thing I have a backup computer. My plan succeeded after all. It is final now. I have finally broken up with him. This is not the end of a season. This is the end of the whole series of our relationship. I still do not know what lies ahead. I need to be ready to create a new book of my life. But I need a spin off. I need to prepare myself.

WARNING: Loving Is Dangerous To Your Health

If there is an IV dye that can detect the protein that causes loneliness, you can definitely see that it is already creeping to my veins and finally reaching my brain. I had made a decision and there is no backing out. I have everything ready, the letter, the plan of changing number (my sim card is acting weird anyways), getting my hair done, and the coping up that I need to do. Singledom scares me. but I need to face it. I need time to be alone and contemplate on the things that I really wanted in life. I'm planning to stay single for a while. No pressure of finding another person who will make my heart beat again. Just like what I said to a friend, being in a relationship is like smoking. After a stick, you will be craving for another one. Once you started smoking, you can't stop unless you have the willpower to do it. It is so addicting but I don't want to resort to meds, and worse, alcohol. I have to do it on my own with a little help from my friends. But when you sleep at night, that is when the venom of loneliness flows into your system that will make your extremities numb and fill your ducts with tears and clog your nose, making it hard to breathe. This is what scares me the most. But I need to be strong. I need to take care of myself before I get into another relationship again. No matter how hard it seems to be, I know I can do it.

The Breakup Letter

I have been thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend, of a 4-year-and-10-month relationship, for a month now. What made me think this way? Nothing. I guess my mind and heart just grew tired of the thought that I love a person who doesn't feel the same way; my brain stops thinking and my heart stops beating. In this blogsite, you'll find that most of my posts here are about him: from the time that I am confused, the time that I felt so inlove with him, and the time that I am tired of loving him. These are memories that I have left of him. They say, taking risk makes us human, i want to be human. This is the risk that I will make. I still do not know what will I do next. I do not know how long will it take for me to move on. I do not know if I'll ever find somebody whom I will be madly in love with again. I do not know if I will be stuck in the shadow of my past relationship. There are a lot of things that I do not know. This mail is still saved in the drafts of my hotmail account. My heart is pounding of the thought that I will be sending this email. But my decision is final, I am sending this soon.

I wanna give you a head's up, this may surprise you. I am also surprised that it has reached you. I have been thinking of this for quite some time now. I have been finding the right timing to say this but I guess there will never be a good timing for this one. I have the intentions of saying this to you personally but I guess I have never found the courage. I am never good with confrontations and I think you already know that. I am tired. I dont think I can go on with this relationship. I do love you, I really do. I wanted to end this while I still feel this way for you because I dont want to get to the point that I already hate you because it will hurt me more, it will hurt us more. Saying that you love me back will not change the decision that I have been bothering my self for a long time now. I have waited for four years for you to say that exact words to me, I wanted you to say it when you really feel it and mean it, but I guess you never was. I dont think we are growing as a couple. I have been meaning to ask how you feel about me, but I am scared that you might say the things that I dont want to hear. This is my fault. They say communication is the key but we have never invested on that to start with. I am too reserved and I know you are too, no one has the strength to break the ice. I know this kind of setup from the very beginning will not work but I still hang on to it hoping that it might. I never expected anything from this before but I realized that I wanted more, I am part of the norms, I am not extraordinary. I really am sorry for bringing it up this way, this is the only way I know without making a fool of myself. Dont bother calling me because my hands will be too weak to answer the phone and my voice will just tremble if I hear your voice. It takes time. I need time. Just keep in mind that I loved you, and I thank you for making me feel that way.

--This is the end of my sad love story--

Say No More!

When you're working in a call center, your voice is your most important resource. Waking up with a sore throat doesn't leave me any choice but to stay at home and not talk to anyone for the whole day. It is not a really big challenge for me at home because #1 I am not much of a chatter, and #2 no one really stays at home. I just stayed at home with my 2 dogs: Samantha, the eldest which makes her the responsible one, and Noah, the little brat who pees on the sofa when you're not looking; cleaned the house because of the fact that our helper left us; cooked or else I'll starve; and stayed in front of the computer for the rest of the day. Being alone made me miss my days back in Baguio where I have my own place, clean my own mess, and feel independent. Right now I live with my folks wherein my moves are guarded and my expenses are monitored. It feels like I am back in high school where I need to be home before the sun sets. Me and my mom always argue over simple things and the problem with me is I always talk back. If I move out, it is less likely that we will fight. But it is just a thought, I don't think I am fully stable to move out. I gotta give this a lot of thinking 'coz it takes a lot of R-E-S-P-O-N-S-I-B-I-L-I-T-Y.

aym escared!

I'll be meeting up with my boyfriend tomorrow after a month and a half. I don't feel excited meeting up with him. I'm confused with my feelings right now for the person once I thought I'll be spending the rest of my life with. We've been together for 4 years now and never once in our relationship I've heard him telling me that he loves me. I feel that he does love me... or am I just convincing myself that he does? He seems to be the perfect person to be with: he's responsible, family man, achiever, intelligent. But there is still something that I'm longing for from him...They say action speaks louder than words, but sometimes we interpret actions the way we wanted them to be. He can be sweet..yes when we are alone..but there are still some things that I'm expecting from him in which I know he can give. I never talk about my boyfriend to my friends. I just share the good things...never my frustrations at him. I don't want them to pity me for clinging on to someone whom I'm not sure if he loves me back and tell to my face that I'm stupid. I never demanded anything, I never asked him to do anything for me...but somewhere, somehow, I wish he does. I need confirmation, I need security. I have been away from him long enough to realize what I am missing. I have had the courage to share to other people what I am bothered about. I try to embrace their point of view regarding our relationship. Our relationship is not normal and not healthy. I am always like this, thinking about ending this relationship but I can't find the courage to leave him. I don't know what I loved about him...but I am getting tired of waiting...waiting that someday he'll reciprocate what I feel about him.

If You Forget Me

I want you to know one thing.
  You know how this is:
 if I look at the crystal moon,
 at the red branch of the slow autumn at my window,
  if I touch near the fire the impalpable ash
 or the wrinkled body of the log,
 everything carries me to you,
 as if everything that exists,
 aromas, light, metals,
 were little boats that sail toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
 
 Well, now, if little by little you stop loving me
 I shall stop loving you little by little.
 
 If suddenly you forget me
 do not look for me,
 for I shall already have forgotten you.
 
 If you think it long and mad,
 the wind of banners that passes through my life,
 and you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots,
 remember that on that day,
 at that hour,
 I shall lift my arms
 and my roots will set off to seek another land.
 
 But if each day,
 each hour,
 you feel that you are destined for me with implacable sweetness,
 if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me,
 ah my love, ah my own,
 in me all that fire is repeated,
 in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
 my love feeds on your love, beloved,
 and as long as you live
 it will be in your arms without leaving mine.
 
  Pablo Neruda

How does it feel to be a vampire?

My schedule is pretty much of a vampire. But as opposed to a vampire's schedule, I was able to see the sunrise and love the sun's rays touching my face early in the morning. I now work in a call center as what's written on my previous posts. I go to work around 2 am, log in to my work station at 3, take calls till 12 pm (with yosi breaks), drink and eat with my buddies till 3, sleep at 4, and then go to work again the next day. I never imagined that I'll enjoy this type of work. At first it was exhausting, but as I have gained friends in the workplace, I now can't wait to go to work everyday. As my team leader advised us, any type of job, no matter how exciting it seems to be (you can be a doctor or an events organizer), there will come a time that everything you do is only a repetitive action. You will always come to a point of saturation and satiation. Try to find ways to enjoy work, find motivation for you to go to work everyday. The actions are the same, the difference is on how you embrace it.
I love going to work everyday because of my new-found friends. I go to work early so that we could be seated next to each other. We just joke around even if the customers calling us are really irate. They make taking calls easy. After work, we always find time to sit and talk, in tapa king, pancake, or box ' rice, on how the day went. Laugh at those customers who acted smart but dumb in real life. This month will be the fifth month evaluation for us in the Evolution Team. Some will be term'ed for not passing the metrices in our scorecards and some will be deployed to different teams. We will have different schedules and there's a big chance that we will not see each other that often. No matter how much I don't want to think about it, I should, to keep myself ready of the things that may happen for the coming months. I'll miss them definitely. Once it happens, it will be an effort for me to find new friends. Haay... i hope that what i anticipated won't happen. It is like having a blankie which was taken away from you at the age of puberty and you have no choice but to go on with life. Like what Tinie says, you should learn how to be alone without feeling lonely.

DISSAT!!!

Imagine I only had 1 out of 6 passing customer survey. My TL told me that my customers are only satisfied and they should be VERY satisfied with the service that I delivered. My coach told me that I should give empathy and assurance statements in every call, this will make or break the call. That one I always fail to deliver, I always jump to the troubleshooting part of the call. For those people who know me better, they know that I always deal with the facts and I don't want the customers to think that I can do everything for them. So I just need to swallow my pride and just abide by the rules, they are the one who pay me anyway.